Your mother had picked me to be your mother
The one to raise you
As my birth mother picked my mother
As my daughter’s birth mother picked me
The daughter who wants so badly to be a big sister
For three months we planned for you
For you to be my second wish come true
Told our closest friends and family
At my birthday lunch
At Thanksgiving
Then your mother changed her mind
I told my daughter
She cried as I cried
For the loss of a wish
Our loss of you
She dried her tears
“Don’t worry, Mommy, someone else will pick us.”
She believes she will still be a big sister
One day
You were our wish
My friends compare it to a miscarriage
Maybe that’s a fair comparison
But only for me
Not for you
This is no tragedy
You didn’t die
Your mother loves you
Your siblings will be excited to hold you
Your grandmother wants to keep you
Whenever your mother is too tired
This is not the end of your wishes
You wish on, as will I
For now
I hold her a little tighter
My first wish come true
And I wish to release you
You who could have been my second wish come true
CLS Sandoval, PhD (she/her) is a writer and communication professor with accolades in film, academia, and creative writing who speaks, signs, acts, publishes, sings, performs, writes, paints, teaches, and rarely relaxes. She’s presented at communication conferences, lead writing and performance workshops, served as a poetry and flash editor, published 15 academic articles, two academic books, three full-length literary collections, three chapbooks, and both flash and poetry pieces in literary journals, recently including Opiate Magazine, The Journal of Radical Wonder, and A Moon of One’s Own. She is raising her daughter, son, and dog with her husband in Walnut, CA.